Pigs in Heaven: Mixed emotions

Pigs in Heaven

With retractable and liberating wings....

Friday, November 18, 2005

Mixed emotions

Life's ironical. Yesterday I am saying 'Cheer up! Things will get better', this morning I have to tell it to myself. It's tiring to be in a vicious cycle that I did not choose to be part of. I'm not even sure if the main character that's churning this cycle is aware that the people she dragged in forcefully is experiencing monetary crisis every single month. When asked about the probable reasons as she why she has to do what she does every month, she always gives a recorded answer and says nothing more. Probing further into it will make her terribly upset and not just sour but ferment the relationship. I have seen it happen many times before. It feels terrible just being an audience to watch this scene happen and it does last for a terrible long time before things become normal. Sometimes, it just stays as it is. Everyone especially the person who doubted, treads on thin ice with every single move and word.

There has been this one particular issue has always bothered me. I think I must have said a million or more times that without the excess cash, money spent on buying '4D' and 'ToTo' is like throwing them into a furnace of burning coals. Yet, I always get the silent treatment or the rebuttal that it's like buying 'Hope', hoping that perhaps one day, they might strike the lottery and life would be better off. Sometimes I really wonder if I can calculate the worth of gambling against the odds of winning, which is a nett negative value, how is it possible that people 40 years or more older than me, who has seen and experience the world changing for the past half a century would not understand and choose to accept this simple mathematical calculation.

It has not been easy to plan my finances. Having to save for my studies, watch my own meagre expenditure, save a small amount for rainy days (or the doggie) and lend money knowing that it will not be returned. I just could not bear to see my family suffer terribly every month and not being able to utter words depicting how hard life is for them individually. Yet whenever I try to help, I end up trapped in terrible situations where I can hardly move. I feel like I was being left for the dead in a dessert where there's no water or food, all alone by myself except the burning ball of flame hanging high up above the clouds mocking my every breath.

I am tired of nagging like a 60 year old woman, frustrated that I can do no better than now, angry at people who choose to be dense, irritated at the way things have advanced to and thinking whether I should plan better for myself while the rest of my family is struggling.

~Haiz~

I guess it's this time again where I have to tell myself words I said to many: 'Cheer up! Things will get better. Whatever worries tomorrow awaits for the 'ME' to deal with, Tomorow. So I shall concentrate on doing my best for today.'

posted by Oink @ 11/18/2005 10:45:00 AM

1 Comments:

At 10:52 AM, kittyn said…

hey oink... we're in the same boat... heh... hang in there...dun waver...